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The Monarch





Character: The Monarch
Player: houndartemis

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[All previous entries pertained to the community omg_adultswim and no longer apply to this character]

BASTE IN THE TERROR!

The Monarch-- aided by the brilliantly evil Antagone and his budding ward Kim (who we so need to come up with a villainess name for)-- have pulled off a plot of such inspirational chaos that it left an entire populace in holiday-themed terror! Imagine the horror on those fools' faces when a veritable flood of rabid turkeys descended upon them from on high! It was a swarm of feathers and malevolence!

Ah, what better way to celebrate? Should so make this a tradition or something, Antagone.

Haha, and to top it all off my uniform has arrived! Once again The Monarch will don a devilishly stylish red suit! The Nazis won't stand a chance!

Screw You, Golden Arches!

The golden arches have failed me for the last time! I declare an OFFICIAL ban on McDonald's food in this house! No longer will I suffer that incompetently prepared crap under my roof! Ronald McDonald can go stick his creepily-painted head in a grease fryer for all I care!

...And I need to remind myself to go buy a copy of Hook. How the hell is it not already in my DVD collection?



[lock to Pickles]

I want your help with something.

[/lock]

Tags:

Never Trust A Dead Guy

Almost forgot I had this thing.

Do I even have to recap the party? I mean most of us were there, so it's not like there's any real point to it. We ate treats and got tricked, the whole shebang. Really nothing else to mention except that you can't trust a dead guy to follow orders. But screw it, whatever.

Had my wife's creepy moppets pass out candy to trick-or-treaters last night. They came back with like, half the bowl. And it was the good chocolate, too! I'm guessing the kids were just as creeped out by them as like... normal people should be. Stayed in to watch the horror re-mash they have on cable every year. Eh, at least I hadn't seen The Shining in a while.

Probably going to do one of those "morale boost" things for the minions just so they don't completely atrophy. Buy them lunch or give them a keg or something, I don't know.

Oh, and sorry about the eyebrow thing, Amarao. But you totally need to glue those things down better or something, my god.

Longest Two Days Ever.

Holy crap, I'm still dizzy. Gah. Going to get motion sickness just watching the cursor move...

But okay, okay. So we go after Venture, right? Get onto the compound, and I'm totally all ready to kick his ass once and for all... only the jackass wasn't even there! He'd split with his whole fucking family and gone off for whatever reason, and for some reason Sergeant Hatred was in Venture's bathroom crying about his tiny-footed princess or whatever. It was a total embarrassment. And I don't just mean the old guy crying in his ex-arch's bathroom. Though that was pathetic. On like, so many levels.

But! Due to my craft and cunning, we ended up tracking down Venture's stupid jet. They'd already split, but they left me a delightful present behind-- their treasured family robot! So I took myself a captive and after some interrogation The Monarch was on the trail again!

A game of cat and mouse later and Venture's hulking bodyguard decided we'd do final battle back at the compound. Little did he know that I'd set a trap for them with their own mechanical butler thing. And everything was going great-- I had my men prepped and ready, and I had another little surprise waiting in the wings... but then this whole team of fucking SOLDIERS show up! Honeybear told me later it was those OSI assholes, but I mean at the time I was just, who the hell are these jerkoffs? And I'm not even going to mention the pink putty people. Everything just started blowing up in my face and it all ended up a total disaster. Geh.

Anyways, I'm at home resting now. My, ah, little surprise kind of backfired on me. Erm. But it was insanely cool for a while there... probably just needs more tweaking... Oh, oh, and the Monarchmobile blew up. Which is just great. At least I'll have a good time tomorrow night.

Also, Kim? Why the hell are there so many pizza boxes? And how the hell did you pay for them? You didn't even touch the money I left you.

The Wait Is Over!

As some of you have already been informed, The Monarch has once again been reunited with his true arch enemy! With some brilliant maneuvering on my part and a convenient loophole in Guild procedure, DR. THADDEUS VENTURE WILL ONCE AGAIN SLEEP UNEASILY, HAUNTED BY THE SOUND OF THE FLUTTER OF WINGS! MY WINGS!!!

Oh, just wait until I show up to do a number on his beloved compound! I've already fired up the virtual training room, and have been preparing a small but efficient task force for just the occasion! I've planned for every contingency! When the moment arrives, we will strike without mercy, subduing all who step in our path!

My slump has come to an end! I finally feel like a real villain again!
I cannot get the taste of blood out of my mouth. I think it was even like... spiced or something, god. It had that lingering cinnamony taste. Only not the good kind with the sugar-- I'm talking straight from the fucking spice rack. Yech.

And Offdensen? Tacking on five grand compensation money to our little laser trade-off.

Is This Really All There Is?

So apparently getting Phantom Limb's house, being granted villainous partnership with my wife and gaining new status in the Guild just means they're allowed to throw completely crappy arches our way. We've gone through like five losers in the past week. You wouldn't think they'd be able to grow steadily worse, but lo and behold it's like the domino set of dorks! Just one right after the other, over and over...

Okay, okay, perfect example: three days ago we end up facing off against this cape with a plant theme. First off, Chlorophyllia? What the hell kind of superhero name is that? Seriously, it sounds like an STD! I mean yeah, yeah, I get it, plants and all, whoo, but c'mon do you have to sound like a drag queen Poison Ivy? Not to mention the guy looked like it. Swear to god, the idiot had fucking petals around his collar. Petals. Total fruit. And his catchphrases?

He said, and I quote, "You're about to feel the potency of flower power!" ...I- I can't even make this crap up! I felt like Rainbow Brite was going to jump out from behind him to start teaching us about love and color. He was just so lame! How could I not kill him? If anything it was an act of mercy. My wife keeps getting on my back about killing these losers, big surprise there. Nevermind that her little nutjob "babies" keep trying to bring fucking glocks with them on raids. But are they getting chewed out for it? Nooooo, of course not, because her precious pint-sized angels could never do anything wrong.

So obviously this whole "choosing a new arch" thing is turning out to be just a barrel of fun. Not to mention the henchmen are getting restless, having had absolutely nothing to do. They keep playing that game with the 80's songs and the baby guitars to keep occupied. "I Ran" is going to start haunting me in my sleep. But whatever. Apparently we're supposed to take on some weenus named Dr. Manatee or Dr. Narwhal or something tomorrow.

Yeah, I can already tell this is going to turn out great.

NOT AGAIN!

WHO DID IT?! WHO DID IT?! I swear to whatever cruel deity reigns the skies that I will ANNIHILATE whoever gave the thief fucking tentacles again! DO YOU HEAR ME?! THE MONARCH HAS DECLARED HIS VENGEANCE! ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE YONDER BELL TOLLS, YOU TENTACLE-GRANTING JACKASS! IT TOLLS FOR THEE!!!

Holy crap, holy crap, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! THIS IS SO NOT COOL!

We So Earned That Point!

So I just got to enjoy the lamest party ever last night. Fucking Hatred threw this pathetic suaret to introduce MY ultimate enemy as his new arch! I mean I knew something was up from the start, but then the guy keeps throwing little jabs my way the whole fucking night, going Phantom Limb this, and Phantom Limb that, and when I finally get him to say what the hell he was trying to pull, you know what he says? Eh? That he's only arching Venture to get at ME! His big revenge on me is to treat Venture like he's some sort of king so he can watch me writhe! DICK! I totally almost pulled the whole thing around on him, too (AND destroyed my archenemy once and for all!), but a certain bald-headed loser had to go and mess that up.

Oh, oh, and guess who's apparently been smoking for like, years? My wife's been LYING about her cigarette habit! Can you believe it?! Came out of nowhere! God that night sucked. This not even mentioning whatever retarded crap is going on between the henchmen and the moppets. ...Those things are seriously weird, by the way. They tried to drag in some freaking over-sized pillow so they could sleep at the foot of my bed. Twenty-plus rooms in the house and they want to act like they're our cats or something. Geh.

So I'm totally throwing a housewarming party soon, because I need to detox over this crap. Gonna go with the Tiki theme so long as no one has any qualms. Oh, and thanks for coming over to take the measurements and ah, help "clean house", Rip.